Hmmmm, you think to yourself. What to do?
A bit redundant, ain’t it? Thinking to yourself. It wouldn’t be the case if you could also somehow think to everyone else, and maybe with one of those bionic parietal lobes you could. Down here you may even find a willing back-alley surgeon for a few drops of spirit gum. Again, hmmm.
Will you kindly keep it down? thinks a passerby. All this hmmmming is interfering with my award-winning ability to concentrate!
I’m sorry, you think. Whose thoughts are these? They certainly don’t seem to be mine.
Me, the telepath passing by. You’ll notice I’m giving you a polite nod as a passive-aggressive courtesy, but on the inside I’m seething. How do you expect a fellow to get anything done with all this hmming?
Well for one thing, you don’t really look as though you are trying to get anything done, you think.
I was trying to get some passing-by done. But you’ve gone and ruined it.
Oh, I don’t know. I thought you did a splendid job. I just turned my head to check, and it appears as though you’re well past me now.
No thanks to you! I was really ramping up to the big finish, hoping to execute a perfect dismount, but you ruined it, and now all the judges are going to mark it against me.
Judges?
Yes, yes, the judges, man! Haven’t you noticed that people have been passing by all afternoon? Did you think they were doing it for the sake of their health? No, we’re in the regional championships here!
Well I do apologize, but nobody told me anything about it.
Sure, but you don’t explain to the tennis ball when it’s about to be lobbed about at Wimbledon, do you?
I s’pose not. Hmmm, you think, and the man’s face goes red, though you can’t see it. By the way, why wasn’t the phrase ‘tennis ball’ italicized with the rest of your previous thought?
For emphasis, of course. Everyone knows that. Italics are used for emphasis when they appear in the midst of de-italicized text. Likewise, when everything else is italicized, removing them also connotes emphasis.
Well, I don’t like it. Trips up the reader. What about an underline?
Underline?! What is this, a greeting card? Underlines are for marking up books and grading papers. That’s it. Besides, readers are apt to mistake it for a link and try to click on it. Look, I don’t have time to stand here and educate you on the elements of style here. I’m way past you now and I’m going to have to circle back around. Who knows if you’ll even still be there by the time I get back.
As it happens, I probably will. The whole reason I kept thinking hmm in the first place is because I can’t think what to do next.
Not that I care, but in the event I can convince the judges to count the last one as a do-over, let’s have it all out on the table so you don’t hmm me right out of my undefeated season.
Right, well it’s just that I’m in a bit of a pickle, you see. I’m being chased by a post office assassin.
Here the author carried on refusing to administer dialogue tags.
Oh my.
But I managed to lose him, thanks to his prowess at Tedious Governmental Survey.
It isn’t necessary de-italicize video game titles, but go on.
My original plan was just to keep running away, but on my way out I saw this Burning to the Ground Hickory Farms with the free samples.
…Yeah, under the little glass dome.
Right! And I really want to stop in for one. But then I began to realize that the assassin might be in the midst of a record-breaking game of Tedious Governmental Survey here. To be able to say I witnessed history in the making, and in my absolute favorite game, no less. Sure, he’s trying to kill me, but the temptation is too strong to resist.
Hmm, thinks the telepath.
Precisely! And to further complicate everything, I’m also hoping to concoct a plan whereby I exit to the parking deck, double back through another entrance and sneak up on the assassin in order to catch him off guard, hopefully work out how to shoot some of the projectiles you no doubt noticed in my bandoleer.
Seems sensible enough. So what’s the problem?
The problem, if it isn’t already obvious, is that I want to do all three of these things equally. My desire to stop in and eat a piece of summer sausage is exactly the same as my desire to go back and watch him win the video game, which is exactly the same as my desire to not be killed and hopefully catch him in a little double-back surprise attack, as they say in Rhymoton. I’ve weighed all the pros and cons of each, and I’ve determined there isn’t a single choice I prefer over the others. I’m at an impasse.
Well you needn’t worry about it. I’ve got your solution.
Oh?
Yes, you see, I’ve telepathically eavesdropped on the judges, and they’ve refused to let me go again. You’ve ruined my athletic career, and now I’m coming to strangle you.
Hang on! you think, suddenly invigorated. There’s been a late development! I’m suddenly beginning to prefer the surprise attack option. Quite a bit over the others, actually. By a factor of two to one.
No, no. I’m telepathizing the judges again, and they say it doesn’t count. You established your preference after the author had closed the voting period. I’m afraid you’ll just have to go on being indecisive. Now just hold still for a moment while I raise my hands and sneak up to strangle OH NO YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO HEAR THIS PART, STOP LISTENING TO IT!
You turn quickly to see the telepathic passerby bearing down on you, his outstretched hands trained on your throat.
Do You:
A. Realize this chapter is stupid.
What letter comes before “A?”
I love that you're building the tie in the votes itself into the story, as well as the subsequent late vote that doesn't count.
F: hold a memorial for the fourth wall.